Yes, we all know that you must work at a relationship! Everyone deserves to feel loved, valued, and appreciated. To get those blessings, you must first give them. But how exactly?
You want your partner to have your back and vice versa, right? Well, oftentimes, partnerships are more one-sided than mutually-supportive. A lop-sided union is destined to fail.
Acknowledge five (5) reasons why many relationships don't last. Your efforts make a difference!
Reason #1: No clear mutual plans & goalsLet's begin at the starting place, shall we? When you go out with someone for the first time, what's your goal? To kill some time? To have sex? Companionship? To find a mate? To get out of the house? To be seen in public? To have a good time?
Decide what you really want and then communicate those ideas to the person you're dating for more than two-three weeks. At that point, it's usually an easy breakup, by explaining that you want to move forward. Say, "I think you're ________(fun & smart). I'm just looking for something different." Reason #2: Insecurity & immaturityWhen I read threads on Reddit, I see many many immature comments. Of course, some great advice is given. Everyone has an opinion if you post a question & frequently they aren't nice about it. Grow up first. Wait before diving into a serious relationship. If random sex is your thing, at least practice safe sex after swiping left or right on Tinder. There is a price to pay for sex addiction, however. Usually, there's a complicated underlying emotional issue that needs to be resolved professionally. Not surprisingly, I find that so many men & women are just insecure. You've got to get a life. Learn some competencies. Get a hobby. Try new interests. Read. Travel. Learn a language. Volunteer. Work out. Help others. Paint. Find a better job. Dance.
Reason #3: Procrastination or unwise use of time
I know a few really smart and interesting people who never had a long-term relationship (over 1.5 years) or never got married, although they wanted to cohabitate with someone special. Now they feel very lonely and tell me, I don't know where the time went. In my 20's I thought I could just screw around. When I turned 30, my career was taking off; by the time I was in my 40's, I was very set in my ways. Now I'm almost 53 and I'm still single. Where did my life go? Looking back, I know exactly what they mean as far as time flashes. Everyone has regrets. Create the life you want. Don't wait too long. Keep active. Meet-up groups are a great way to meet like-minded people in your local area. Give people a chance. Reason #4: Lack of understanding & listening skillsI don't know why listening skills aren't taught in elementary school. Many parents are good role-models in this area; but what about other children who aren't as lucky?
Each student should be required to role-play and/or discuss ways to improve socialization & communication skills, such as conflict resolution, eye-contact, making I-statements, listening, rephrasing, suspend judgment before disagreeing etc.
How to give and receive feedback should be mandatory. I'm afraid we've encountered a whole new generation of children who feel slighted any time a teacher or friend criticizes them. On college campuses, the students want to be coddled, which doesn't appear age-appropriate. I hear so much about "microaggressions," which, of course, are often real. Sometimes, though, it's much ado about nothing. If schools taught the same competency-based progressive communication curriculum nationwide, then students would be on the same page by the time they attend a university. Maybe more students would get clarification before jumping to conclusions. Reason #5: Failure to prepareYou can't just watch sit-coms all day and expect to learn how to get along with the opposite sex (or whomever you're attracted to). Well, yes, I'm being somewhat facetious, but my point is valid. I suppose this fifth reason harkens back to #4 above.
How do you prepare for a long-term relationship? Think about it. What skills do you really need to be a loving, supportive, appreciative partner? Think how you want to be treated. Decide. Act. Make wise choices. Be the best person you can be as often as you can. Nobody's perfect. Most good things in life take practice. Practice the skills above. Go to a workshop. Learn online. Join Toastmasters. Volunteer. Ask the person you are dating if they can give you tips on how to be a better boyfriend or girlfriend. I recommend a simple partnering exercise. When done just twice (2x) a month for 10 minutes, it teaches you a way to stay on the same page. See my earlier blog.http://wisewords4women.com/3/post/2017/07/staying-on-the-same-page.html
Your partner is NOT responsible for your pleasure. You are! Yep, this may be 180 degrees different from what you've heard most of your life.
Be the grown-up!
Explore and know your own pleasure triggers first before telling your partner. Own your satisfaction.
Don't expect your partner to read your mind!
Listen up, ladies! Don't just lay back & ask, What's my partner going to do to please me tonight? That's a lazy approach to sex. It's not a spectator sport, so don't sit on the sidelines.
On the flip side, don't stay in your head & ask, What should I do next to please my partner?
Sex is a dynamic process, like a stir-fry recipe. Things happen differently every time. Remember, your spouse or partner or mate isn't always looking for a friend to listen to him although I believe that’s important for the long haul. Frequently, what a man needs is to be appreciated in the bedroom & supported for what he does for you.
Men want to feel like King Kong in the bedroom. It's about making you climb the walls and beg for more. They need your femaleness to embrace their manhood in a raw, primitive way before they can show their deeper passion. I’ve discovered men want real affection without complications, even though most women don’t really understand how to do that. In fact, many push the very man away who would respond well to having space occasionally. A man can better unleash his passion when he doesn't feel confined.
After talking to women in my Discovering the Sexual Dimensions of Your Relationship workshops, it became apparent that a majority struggle with something I consider so basic, so simple, so true that I got frustrated with my own inability to communicate the essence of enhanced sexual pleasure.
In 1993, I wrote my first book, called How To Have Multiple Orgasms Easier Than You Think (Avon Books), which sold over 56,000 copies. Visit Amazon for e-book and a few paperback versions: http://amzn.to/2rHQDYA.
I wished I could've had face-to-face meetings with those readers. That’s when both men and women were telling me, Oh my gosh, you’ve saved my marriage. I love helping women—of all ages— in improving their all areas in life. After all, the women are beautiful mirrors of feminine energy moving in powerful new directions.
It wasn't a single event that put me on my true path of helping others through teaching them the secrets of spirited sex. It was a continuum of events where I figured out how to give and receive authentic passion. These secrets literally allow women to have as much heightened pleasure as they have the energy for! And, I’m convinced any healthy woman can duplicate my success for themselves. http://bettersexloveromance.com
Sex is universal.
Yet it's a unique experience for each person. I suspect we're more alike than different.
These six (6) steps are meant to affirm what you're already doing right in your lovemaking and enhance other areas that might need refinement:
Step #1: Psychological & comfort level
First, select a partner that you are genuinely attracted to physically. Compatible chemistry is a must! Usually, sparks will fly automatically when your pheromones match. Whether you've been with a lover for a few days or a few decades, you know how comfortable you are with discussing sexual issues or experimenting in the bedroom. Some call it kismet.
Are you both willing to try something new you've just read online? Does your partner listen to your signals? Pay attention to what works and what doesn't?
Step #2: Adequate foreplay
Foreplay is an essential ingredient for good sex and too often missing. What's adequate for one partner may not be enough for another. For that matter, what's enough one day is not right the next. Foreplay consists of kissing, touching butt and breasts, vaginal stimulation in a way the recipient likes. State what you want in a constructive way, such as, "Do that again, but slower." Be honest.
Lubrication is also something to keep in mind. Have some water-soluble on hand. Also, saliva works great in a pinch. Food, drink, and sex go together like snow-skiing and Jacuzzi dips. Two, or more, consenting adults should explore a variety of ideas. Toe-sucking is a turn-on for many.
Sometimes there are reasons that get in the way of getting the right mindset to begins with foreplay in the first place, which includes the following:
fatigue, hunger, stress, pain, mood, pregnancy, past experiences, upbringing, medication interference, restrictive religious beliefs etc. Fix what you can and deal with the complicated issues the best you can.
Most women prefer to take at least 10-15 minutes getting warmed up to the idea. So a back or foot massage is a good start. Medium to deep pressure relaxes while light touch excites. Alternating soft and tender with rough and deeper massage has a positive effect.
Step#3: The benefits of breathing
Be sure to breathe fully during crescendos of lovemaking. Oxygen in your lungs stimulates your senses. Breathing deeply increases physical performance as any athlete knows. If your mouth is slightly open and your wrist and knees slightly bent, you will automatically be more relaxed.
Experts agree that to breathe properly, fill the upper part of your chest first and your abdomen last when inhaling. Reverse the process when exhaling.
Steady deep breaths enhance your physical pleasure, especially during climax.
Step #4: Making noises in the bedroom
Like breathing, making sound is an important step in the realization of pleasure, especially if you want to develop a capacity for orgasms. Sex sounds are natural. As you let out noises and groans, you exchange energy with your partner, letting him/her know what pleases you. It also helps control the tempo of rhythms with each new release.
Nothing quite reaches the inner core of a lover's heart as much as hearing his/her name during the heat of passion. My advice is to incorporate a few new sex sounds into your sex life. See what happens. You may surprise your partner. Making noises keeps you in the present.
Step#5: The power of positioning
For better sex, try a number of positions during each love-making session. Experiment with different tilts and angles of penetration to discover the many that give you pleasure. The basic four is the only place to start:
1) Frontal (face to face)
2) Sideways (legs-in-between)
3) Rear entry (doggie style)
4) Astride (sitting)
There are advantages and disadvantages to each of the variations. Remember, you have a right to suggest a change at any time. Invent names for a particular position that you like. Say, "Let's do the inward gainer!" if you want to make love head to toe. Reverse cowgirl is also a favorite. And, for oral sex, the head-to-toe (sixty-nine) position is a popular one.
Step #6: Opening Up
I am referring more to a psychological phenomenon here. It's an art to truly receive what your partner has to give. Being receptive is not the same as taking. It's not spacing out into passivity. A passive partner is a boring one. Each partner should have the opportunity to receive. True receiving is without greed. It means paying attention to your partner to make the experience a mutual one.
Likewise, giving is not the same as controlling someone. To give freely never violates the comfort level of another person. Giving openly is being sensitive to the needs and desire of the receiver. Pure giving has no air of desperation or compulsion. Many insecure people feel compelled to give continuously so they can feel needed or loved.
Ideally, partners take turns taking the initiative. Better yet, the lines of giving and receiving become so blurred that it's difficult to distinguish between the giver and the receiver. Have confidence in yourself and your mate. Watch the magic happen!
Most of us over-schedule our lives to the point that we don't know if we're coming or going!
Complications take on a momentum all their own, which can fill your precious time that is not allotted to them.
Focus on the immediate necessary activities needed to keep you and your family fulfilled.
Everything else is just noise!
Cancel a few social activities temporarily. Do you really have to say "Yes" to everybody? Spend some time day-dreaming. Think about what areas of your life you can simplify and gain a level of comfort and contentment. If you're in the classic dilemma of wanting to go somewhere and not wanting to go, decide now to stay home for the next two weeks. Will you get more sleep? Read a book?
Stay off of social media for a couple of days. See how much better you feel about spending your time eye-to-eye with real people like your children, spouse, or friends.
Cut back on household chores, too. Remember, nobody is going to say, "You should've kept a cleaner house," on your tombstone.
Nobody can push your hot buttons if you're not around. Let that be your mantra for the rest of the month!
Well, hmmm. This is serious. Making a list of my top 10 reasons why I exist would have to include family and fun! Pics from a recent Santa Cruz family reunion shows I participated in both a reunion and adventure. Rode a roller coaster 4 times and caught up with over 25 relatives. Something spiritual also seems like a good idea ... to cover my bases in case there is a heaven, which by the way, I do believe exists.
So here goes my list:
1) To raise healthy, happy, well-adjusted & productive children.
2) To seek God's peace & enjoy Her/Him forever.
3) To love, teach, embrace, help, & heal others from negativity.
4) To function successfully within a family unit.
5) To be playful in a balanced way as a self-wellness activity.
6) To take care of myself responsibly so as not be a burden to society.
7) To think in creative ways & write more immediately-useful books.
8) To gain personal knowledge, strength, peace of mind, wisdom etc.
9) To be grateful for the gift of life & for my 96-year old mother.
10) To be a positive influence on the planet & have a small carbon footprint.
Make your own list. Now think about how you really spend your time. What are your core values and do you honor them on a regular basis? If not, what's taking up your time? Do you want to re-position yourself to match your core self? Would you be happier if you did that?
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What's the best way to bring up a sensitive subject to my partner? My wife? My boyfriend?
How do I make a request for change without hurting any feelings?
Is there a way to make my partner more receptive to my ideas?
Complete my Focused-Language Intimacy-Exercise twice a month for 10 minutes to keep the spark alive. Flip a coin to see who goes first. Ask these three questions (or make up your own):
1) On a scale from 1-100, where do you see our intimacy level?
2) Where would you like it to be? (on same scale)
3) What can I do to help move us from a ____ to a ____?
You must follow five rules in order to be kind during the process. The trick is the rules you have to follow:
Rule #1: Questioner may not talk. (May ask, "Can you give me an example?")
Rule #2: Questioner may not argue.
Rule #3: Questioner may not criticize.
Rule #4: Questioner may not interrupt.
Rule #5: Questioner may not give excuses.
Then switch places. Choose your words carefully. Loving couples will process the information and apply it to their daily routine. A behavioral transfer is much more likely to happen when people don't feel attacked or criticized. This single interactive partnering practice will keep your relationship on the same positive page!
Many individuals are trying to discover what they did wrong in the last relationship. They don't want to blow it with their current partner. Learn how to maintain a healthy relationship. Everyone deserves to feel loved, valued, appreciated & supported. The truth is, you have to give in order to receive. Hold up a mirror. Be the compassionate, fun-loving light you were meant to be and your partnership will flourish.
PART IV-- Discover 50 shades of arousal. Explore. Be adventurous. Don't knock it 'til you've tried it. Of course, there are endless ways you can add to creating plateaus of arousal:
I know a married couple, Suzie and Brad, who bought a sex swing for their 10th wedding anniversary. Since it hangs from the ceiling, several adjustments were made for heightened pleasure. Sue added a scarf for neck support and now sits comfortably in the swing, which gives her a sense of total freedom.
- stimulating gels/lubricants
- sex toys
- nipple clips
- edible underwear
- body paints
- whipped cream and grapes
- anal beads
- vaginal/orgasm balls
- sex machines
- love swings
- al fresco escapades
Her legs swing apart easily for her husband to penetrate her at the right angle. Brad stands up on the bed. This is the perfect combination since he has a bad back and Sue has a bum hip. The best part about this story is that the couple is in their mid-sixties. Who'd a thunk it? Brad and Sue now use the swing as part of their normal repertoire! Most things are worth a try at least once. Sometimes once is enough. Sometimes couples discover that variety spices up their sex life and takes it to the next level. See pic at the bottom of this blog. For my couples handbook guide, Sextastic! Improve Your Love Life in Seven Weeks, visit: http://bettersexloveromance.com Most people enjoy reflexology. Lovers can practice this to spice up sex:
Another shade of arousal is the chest area. Many women and some men would enjoy breast stimulation more if they toughen up their nipples. It's easy. With a damp towel or washcloth, rub back and forth directly on the nipple for 30 seconds or so before you step out of the shower. Do this a few times a week until you find the right texture and sensation. This works wonders for people with extra-sensitive nipples.
- To awaken your partner's senses, simply run your fingers through his/her hair and massage the scalp.
- Rub behind the big toe on both to accomplish the same thing.
- For a quick turn-on, massage the hollow area below both anklebones on the inside of the feet. Apply pressure with soothing thumb circles and watch the sparks fly.
- Massage the soles in the upper middle part of the foot can open sexual energy in the chest and pelvic areas as well.
- Kneading inner thighs have always been a go-to erogenous zone.
- Touching just above the knee and behind the knee area works, too.
A big challenge for women I hear from women is, “I don't get much feeling when he touches my breasts...but I would if he felt me up in the right way.” Of course, communication is a wonderful tool, yet many things are often left unsaid. Unspoken words often have negative results, like self-sabotaging your pleasure. Some request their partner to stay away from the chest breast area altogether.
Breasts have a direct line to the clitoris. Discover what you like on your own; then teach your partner how to touch you how you like it. By asking for feedback more often, lovers discover new ways to please their partner: “Honey, do you like me to touch gentler in the beginning? Can I be rougher later on? Do you like A or B better?” Be open to the technique above. Be the grown up. Speak up. Experiment.
Role-playing is fun and seductive. A man playfully asks his girlfriend, “What's your name tonight, babe?” One woman told me she turns into Sabrina when she wants to play the shy, inexperience lover. Her partner has to “teach” her what to do next. Other times she becomes Dominique, the aggressor, who ties up her partner with a silk scarf with his hands above his head and then spanks or whips him until he playfully asks for mercy. In the end, she gives him freedom and the sparks fly.
Now you've heard all 40 ways to save your love life from boredom. Use these blog ideas as a stepping stone to thinking of numerous other ways to heighten your sexual pleasure. For couples 7-week guidebook to rekindle, refresh, and reboot your partnership, please visit http://bit.ly/SevenWeekChallenge.
The question is, what are you going to do to get the romantic sparks going tonight?
| || |Step up your pillow talk for greater intimacy! You get what you give. Be appreciative. Share your dreams. Be real. Show a vulnerable side. You, not your partner, are responsible for bringing something interesting to the table (read bedroom.) Let's talk about four categories to invigorate your romantic interactions:
1. Think outside the bedroom. http://bit.ly/40WaysPart1
2. Create erotic partnering exercises. http://bit.ly/40WaysPart2
3. Build atmospheric mood-boosters http://bit.ly/40WaysPart3
4. Discover 50 shades of arousal. http://bit.ly/40WaysPart4
For a 7-week guidebook to rekindle, refresh, and reboot your partnership, visit http://bettersexloveromance.com
PART III: What kind of atmosphere puts you in the mood for love? Men are predominately visual. Women want a pleasant ambiance and feel more connected after an authentic conversation. Here's a few ways to get your party started:Select your favorite type of music. You can't go wrong with John Legend or Marvin Gaye. Anything with a saxophone usually works, too.
- Place electronically flickering tea candles around your bedroom. They're safer than wax candles. Perhaps add a few real candles on the nightstand. Put dozens of the pseudo candles anywhere without the messy cleanup afterwards.
- Add some incense to your bedroom or change up your normal scent.
- Try an aromatherapy diffuser with its essential oils for a change.
- Move your furniture around for a new look. Add greenery.
- Add different shades of lighting. Some bulbs constantly change colors like a mood ring. Remember, the color red is typically linked to dominance and testosterone levels as in mating season, where some animals literally turn red when in heat. During arousal, humans turn reddish especially just prior to an orgasm. Google how colors stimulate parts of the brain for a different effect.
- Take an Epsom salt bath together, placing candles for a romantic touch.
- Put on some silk sheets. What directly touches your skin is consequential.
In short, dress up and talk. Create the ambiance that works for you. There's no right or wrong here. For my guidebook for couples, Sextastic! Improve Your Love Life in Seven Weeks, visit: http://bettersexloveromance.com
- Wear those the high heels! Dress up as a superhero or in sexy outfits, allowing your partner to seduce you according to your character.
Invigorate your romantic life in your own unique way!
Let's talk frankly. This is part 2 out of a 4-part series to show you how to get your love life on track again. The second solution is to engage in erotic partnering exercises. Each couple creates their own interactive partnering practice. In my book, Sextastic!, I call this an Erotic Discovery Exercise. For info on my book, visit: http://bettersexloveromance.com Start with 8-10 household objects. Go with the basics: a feather, a piece of fur, a wet washcloth, coffee beans in a sock, baby powder, rose petals, a therapeutic massager, hot baby oil, cold flavored ice cubes, a toothpick, etc.
One partner closes his eyes. The other picks an object and administers it first on the inner wrist or lower forearm, asking what object was used. You think this is easy? Many people guess “fur” when it's actually “baby powder.” With eyes open, try each object on different places on the other's body. Then switch so the other partner experiments. If you like particular objects, put them in a “special drawer” next to your bed. Try new objects every month and add to your repertoire. Most everyone loves surprises: “Hi, honey. You'll never guess what I brought home today.”
For a couples guidebook to rekindle, refresh, and reboot your partnership, visit http://bit.ly/SevenWeekChallenge. Doing these partnering exercises 10-20 minutes twice a month will keep your sex life from ever being boring. Create your own erotic discovery partnering practice today!
| || || |If you are asking whether or not your love life has gotten boring, it probably has. For the solution, look in a mirror. Each partner is responsible for breathing life and vigor into their partnership. Let's talk about the first of four categories to liven up any couple's sexual and romantic practices:1. Think outside the bedroom http://bit.ly/40WaysPart1
2. Create erotic partnering exercises http://bit.ly/40WaysPart2
3. Build atmospheric mood-boosters http://bit.ly/40WaysPart3
4. Discover 50 shades of arousal http://bit.ly/40WaysPart4
1) The first solution begins outside the bedroom. The human brain is wired for variety. What have you done as a couple to expand your horizons? Here's a few ideas to keep the spark alive.
The list is endless. Explore. Be creative. Get outside your comfort zone.
- My personal favorite is to go to the zoo. Animals exhibit primitive instincts. Humans are animals. Visit at least four enclosures and then go directly to the gorilla and monkey exhibits. Watch their expressive gestures and natural postures. Once your creative juices are stirred, head home and watch the sparks fly.
- Sign up for a salsa or West coast swing class. I know several places around town where a beginner gets a 30 minutes lesson for $10.00 and then practices it with a variety of partners at different levels for another half hour. Finally, there is open dance floor that lasts for about an hour or so.
- Learn a new language. Pretend to be a French couple for the night.
- Go to a museum. The sights, sounds, smells just be just what a Dr ordered.
- Rekindle the flame by revisiting the place where you met or your first date. (Or somewhere that resembles it.)
- Find a live band you normally wouldn't listen to. Appreciate it in a new context. If you don't like it after half an hour, get up and go elsewhere.
- Go to a farmers market. The food smells and tastes add to the experience. Plus colorful people share info on various topics e.g. glass blowing.
- Take a day trip to nearby town or tourist site you've never been to.
- Learn how to paint while you drink wine. Google places nearby.
On the flip side, keep your identity in tact. Keep your own hobbies/activities separate, without insisting the other participate. Smothering behavior is not attractive. If you love live theater and your partner hates it, go with a mutual friend who enjoys it as much as you do. Why waste one minute worrying if your partner is enjoying an event you've “forced” him or her to go to? Why torture the person you love? Your partner may indulge you once or twice a year, without complaining, because you're not forcing the issue anymore. Weird how that happens...Two independent personalities blend more happily when boundaries are respected. After all, that's why you fell in love with in the first place! For a couples 7-week guidebook to rekindle, refresh, and reboot your partnership, please visit: http://bit.ly/SevenWeekChallenge.