I asked my last boyfriend this question in bed, "Can we try something different tonight?" He said, "I know what I'm doing. I've been doing this for a long time." I was stunned and speechless. What should I have said?
--Dee K. (July 2017)
First of all, congratulations! You mentioned he is an ex-boyfriend. Wow, how self-absorbed this man sounds! I might've shown him the door that night.
Were you screaming a response inside your head, but just couldn't get it out? Well, I don't recommend yelling a comeback. But I do believe in reality statements. The truth is usually the right response: Well, you don't know everything about my body and I'm telling you that I need some darn variety!
Be the grown-up. Allow your partner to absorb the information. Don't try something new that night because his feelings are probably hurt. He may not feel confident about his abilities. Nonchalantly, explain that you'll write down a few specific ideas you two may want to try down the road.
Most importantly, don't bring up this topic for at least 7-10 days. He got the message loud and clear. Give him space. If a man feels even a slight put-down, he will close up completely. Be patient. Wait.
Hand him your I-Want-To-Experiment wish list. Keep it short.Walk away. Let him mull over your list. See if he approaches you. After a week or so, prompt him again, "Honey, are you ready to try anything on my list?" Let him pick something since it's clearly outside his comfort zone.
Tell him you'd like to start with a 10-minute experimental session. That way, it's not so scary for him. Be kind. Be generous. Good luck, Dee!
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