A good relationship is based on a series of compromises. Everyone deserves to feel loved, valued, and appreciated. To get those blessings, you must first give them. But how exactly?

You want your partner to have your back.  What if your partnership is more one-sided than mutually-supportive? To be honest, a lop-sided union is destined to fail.

Acknowledge the following five (5) reasons why many relationships don't last. Your efforts do make a difference! 

Reason #1:  No clear mutual plans & goals
Let's begin at the starting place, shall we? When you go out with someone for the first time, what's your goal? To kill some time? To have sex? Companionship? To find a mate? To get out of the house? To be seen in public? To have a good time?

Decide what you really want and then communicate those ideas to the person you're dating for more than two-three weeks. At that point, it's usually an easy breakup, by explaining that you want to move forward. Say, "I think you're fun & smart, but I'm just looking for something different, someone who likes to hike." 

Reason #2:  Insecurity & immaturity
When I read threads on Reddit, I see many many immature comments. Of course, some great advice is given. Everyone has an opinion if you post a question & frequently they aren't nice about it. Grow up first. Wait before diving into a serious relationship. If random sex is your thing, at least practice safe sex after swiping left or right on Tinder. There is a price to pay for sex addiction, however. Usually, there's a complicated underlying emotional issue that needs to be resolved professionally. 

Not surprisingly, I find that so many men & women are just insecure. You've got to get a life. Learn some competencies. Get a hobby. Try new interests. Read. Travel. Learn a language. Volunteer. Work out. Help others. Paint. Find a better job. Dance.

Reason #3:  Procrastination or unwise use of time

I know a few really smart and interesting people who never had a long-term relationship (over 1.5 years) or never got married, although they wanted to cohabitate with someone special. Now they feel very lonely and tell me, I don't know where the time went. In my 20's I thought I could just screw around. When I turned 30, my career was taking off; by the time I was in my 40's, I was very set in my ways. Now I'm almost 53 and I'm still single. Where did my life go?  Looking back, I know exactly what they mean as far as time flashes. Everyone has regrets. 

Create the life you want. Don't wait too long. Keep active. Meet-up groups are a great way to meet like-minded people in your local area. Give people a chance. 

Reason #4:  Lack of understanding & listening skills
I don't know why listening skills aren't taught in elementary school. Many parents are good role-models in this area; but what about other children who aren't as lucky?  Each student should be required to role-play and/or discuss ways to improve socialization & communication skills, such as conflict resolution, eye-contact, making I-statements, listening, rephrasing, suspend judgment before disagreeing etc.

How to give and receive feedback should be mandatory. I'm afraid we've encountered a whole new generation of children who feel slighted any time a teacher or friend criticizes them. On college campuses, the students want to be coddled, which doesn't appear age-appropriate. I hear so much about "microaggressions," which, of course, are often real. Sometimes, though, it's much ado about nothing. If schools taught the same competency-based progressive communication curriculum nationwide, then students would be on the same page by the time they attend a university. Maybe more students would get clarification before jumping to conclusions. 

Reason #5:  Failure to prepare
You can't just watch sit-coms all day and expect to learn how to get along with the opposite sex (or whomever you're attracted to). Well, yes, I'm being somewhat facetious, but my point is valid. I suppose this fifth reason harkens back to #4 above.

How do you prepare for a long-term relationship? Think about it. What skills do you really need to be a loving, supportive, appreciative partner? Think how you want to be treated. Decide. Act. Make wise choices. Be the best person you can be as often as you can. Nobody's perfect. Most good things in life take practice. Practice the skills above. Go to a workshop. Learn online. Join Toastmasters. Volunteer. Ask the person you are dating if they can give you tips on how to be a better boyfriend or girlfriend. 

I recommend a simple partnering exercise. When done just twice (2x) a month for 10 minutes, it teaches you a way to stay on the same page. See my earlier blog.


What are the top 12 traits you look for in your partner?  Here's my list:

1. A sense of personal identity
I want a man who knows who he is and what he wants out of life, yet is still willing to grow and seek out more.  Someone who is dynamic and discovering parts of himself as he ages. 

2. Self-confidence
I want a man who describes himself with more positives than negatives, who carries on conversations easily with a variety of people, who is self-secure, and who can spend time alone.

3. Affectionate

I like a man who puts his arm around me at the movies or while sitting on a park bench. I want a touchy man in private yet likes to hold hands or give me a quick peck when we're in public. Can he give a sensual back or foot rub? 

4. A sense of humor

I love to laugh. A couple who laughs, lasts. I need a playful man who is willing to be spontaneous at least some of the time. If he teases me in a gentle way, then I feel comfortable. If he dishes it out, can he take it in return? It's a two-way street. I want a man who smiles easily. 

5. Successful It's not the size of his wallet that counts as much as the passion towards his purpose. I want someone who accomplishes goals he believes are worthwhile. 

6. Healthy & Energetic

Energy is a turn-on. My mate needs to have moderately good health routines that include eating, exercising, and sleeping. Being an outdoorsman is also a plus. Yes, I want a mate who is within normal weight limits for his height. A non-smoker is a must.

7. Intelligence
I need a man who is relatively smart, who can talk about a variety of subjects (not just sports) with the same level of enthusiasm. I want someone who isn't afraid to look up a word or a concept immediately when they hear something unfamiliar. Is your man a curious person? Lifelong learning is as important to me as good health.

8. Cultural Awareness
I want a man who enjoys the arts, such as live theater, musical concerts, well-made movies, museums, architecture, etc. Bonus points if he plays a musical instrument or sings.

9. Spiritual
I can't define exactly what this looks like except to say he must believe in something greater than himself (Source, God, Supreme Being). Does he have a spiritual practice or on a journey to gain more insights, knowledge, or peace of mind? 

10. Strong sexual appetite

I'd like my partner to match my level of energy in this area. I want to agree on the number of times we typically will have sex in a week. Does he have a passionate soul?

11. Sports-minded
I want my partner to play at least one sport or have a physical hobby, like swimming, ping pong, hiking, or racquetball. Does he watch sports without being obsessive? I enjoy watching a football game every now and then, but watching four days per week during the entire season is a bit much.

12. Adventurous

Traveling is important. I need to have a partner who likes to travel. Whether by plane, train, boat, or car, let's get up and go to a new destination periodically. Does he speak a foreign language or is he willing to learn a few basic phrases before traveling to a particular location?  Does he enjoy soaking up foreign food, architecture, sights, sounds, people around him? 

In short, I want a well-rounded Renaissance man who is kind-hearted, curious, and joyful whether he's in my presence or not. This is a true measure of a man. 
Wanna watch the sparks fly? If your love life has gotten it a rut, it's time to spice it up! Both partners have a responsibility to keep the fireworks alive. Let's talk about my four categories to puff up your romantic side: 

1. Think outside the bedroom.     
2. Create erotic partnering exercises.       
3. Build atmospheric mood-boosters.  
4. Discover 50 shades of arousal. 

PART IV-- Discover 50 shades of arousal. Explore. Be adventurous. Don't knock it 'til you've tried it. Of course, there are endless ways you can add to creating plateaus of arousal:
  • stimulating gels/lubricants
  • sex toys
  • nipple clips
  • vibrators
  • edible underwear
  • dildos
  • body paints 
  • whipped cream and grapes
  • anal beads
  • vaginal/orgasm balls
  • sex machines
  • electro-stimulators 
  • love swings
  • al fresco escapades
I know a married couple, Suzie and Brad, who bought a sex swing for their 10th wedding anniversary. Since it hangs from the ceiling, several adjustments were made for heightened pleasure. Sue added a scarf for neck support and now sits comfortably in the swing, which gives her a sense of total freedom. 
Her legs swing apart easily for her husband to penetrate her at the right angle. Brad stands up on the bed. This is the perfect combination since he has a bad back and Sue has a bum hip. 

The best part about this story is that the couple is in their mid-sixties. Who'd a thunk it? Brad and Sue now use the swing as part of their normal repertoire! Most things are worth a try at least once. Sometimes once is enough. Sometimes couples discover that variety spices up their sex life and takes it to the next level. See pic at the bottom of this blog. 

For my couples handbook guide, Sextastic! Improve Your Love Life in Seven Weeks, visit: http://bettersexloveromance.com
Most people enjoy reflexology. Lovers can practice this to spice up sex:
  1. To awaken your partner's senses, simply run your fingers through his/her hair and massage the scalp.
  2. Rub behind the big toe on both to accomplish the same thing.
  3. For a quick turn-on, massage the hollow area below both anklebones on the inside of the feet. Apply pressure with soothing thumb circles and watch the sparks fly.
  4. Massage the soles in the upper middle part of the foot can open sexual energy in the chest and pelvic areas as well.
  5. Kneading inner thighs have always been a go-to erogenous zone.
  6. Touching just above the knee and behind the knee area works, too. 

Another shade of arousal is the chest area. Many women and some men would enjoy breast stimulation more if they toughen up their nipples. It's easy. With a damp towel or washcloth, rub back and forth directly on the nipple for 30 seconds or so before you step out of the shower. Do this a few times a week until you find the right texture and sensation. This works wonders for people with extra-sensitive nipples.

A big challenge for women I hear from women is, “I don't get much feeling when he touches my breasts...but I would if he felt me up in the right way.” Of course, communication is a wonderful tool, yet many things are often left unsaid. Unspoken words often have negative results, like self-sabotaging your pleasure. Some request their partner to stay away from the chest breast area altogether.

Breasts have a direct line to the clitoris. Discover what you like on your own; then teach your partner how to touch you how you like it. By asking for feedback more often, lovers discover new ways to please their partner: “Honey, do you like me to touch gentler in the beginning? Can I be rougher later on? Do you like A or B better?” Be open to the technique above. Be the grown up. Speak up. Experiment. 

Role-playing is fun and seductive. A man playfully asks his girlfriend, “What's your name tonight, babe?” One woman told me she turns into Sabrina when she wants to play the shy, inexperience lover. Her partner has to “teach” her what to do next. Other times she becomes Dominique, the aggressor, who ties up her partner with a silk scarf with his hands above his head and then spanks or whips him until he playfully asks for mercy. In the end, she gives him freedom and the sparks fly. 

Now you've heard all 40 ways to save your love life from boredom. Use these blog ideas as a stepping stone to thinking of numerous other ways to heighten your sexual pleasure. For couples 7-week guidebook to rekindle, refresh, and reboot your partnership, please visit  http://bit.ly/SevenWeekChallenge.

The question is, what are you going to do to get the romantic sparks going tonight?


Are you feeling a little bored in your current sex life? Trust yourself. You can invigorate it. 

Want to express your real needs to your partner but can’t find the right words? 

Want to learn the secrets of sexually-content women? 

Then this may be the most important message you ever read. 

When it comes to having sex (even with the man you love), does it take you a half an hour just to warm up? Is your partner frustrated by your apparent lack of interest? Have you ever walked away, wondering what could have been if you'd only had the guts to go tell him your real needs that moment? Sure.  Don't worry, this happens to many couples.

Here’s what is even more frustrating: On those few occasions when you’re lucky enough to have a penetration orgasm, you never get the second one. Does your partner sometimes feel like he/she let you down in the bedroom? You start feeling bad, which makes you feel worse about yourself. That leads to less self-confidence & to less sex in general.  

It's a bad snowball effect, perpetuating a continuous downward spiral. Does he go ga-ga over some self-described sleazy-looking gal on the street? Now you're mad. Don't be. Many men exert their hyper-masculinity more when they're feeling less than whole in the sexuality department, including older men who can no longer perform or who has lost the desire itself. That's why they tell off-colored jokes to people who could care less.

Still, if your partner takes you for granted, it's like a punch in the gut. Your concern for his well-being comes from a place of genuine love, but he sees your suggestions as a putdown.

It sucks, doesn’t it?  But it gets worse, much worse. Because what typically happens next is, you try to prove your love. True love does not require continual tests. Things just don’t click like they're supposed to.

Everything seems forced or unnatural. Many women feel more like sleeping than having sex. Some say that they expect their mate to support them emotionally before they feel like making love. Hogwash, ladies. Men can't read your mind. Don't ever expect them to in the future. 

Be upfront. Change your aura. Become a loving light. Inspire your partner. Sex is the glue that keeps a relationship intimate & romantic. Visit these websites for more information on how to become the inspiration!




You love your child with all your heart! 

Do you know what mental, emotional, growing state of mind your child is in? 

Do you know the right message you child needs?

Do you know what to say at what age to improve your daughter's self-esteem? 

Of course, you love your children unconditionally. So it's a good thing to know what message you need to send during a particular age group.

According to Jean Illsley Clarke, here are the stages in a child's life (from psychologists who study the development from baby to adulthood: 

Name of Stage:                                     BEING
Timeline:                                        Birth-6months

Parents Job to Think & Say:

I'm glad you are alive!

I love you and care for you willingly.

You belong here.

What you need is important to me.

Grow at your own pace.

Name of Stage:                                     DOING
Timeline:                                        6 months-18 months

Parents Job to Think & Say:

I will support and protect you.

You can explore and experiment.

You can be interested in everything.

I love you active and when you are quiet.

You can do things as many times as you need.

I like to watch you initiate, grow and learn.

Name of Stage:                                     THINKING
Timeline:                                         18 months-3 years

Parents Job to Think & Say:

You can ask for help.

You can know what you want.

I'm glad you are starting to think for yourself.

You can become separate from me.

I will continue to love you.

It's OK for you to be angry and say, No!.

I won't let you hurt yourself or others.

You can test your limits as much as you need.

Name of Stage:                                IDENTITY & POWER
Timeline:                                              3 years-6 years

Parents Job to Think & Say:

You can try out different roles. 

All of your feelings are OK with me.

You can explore who you are. 

You can find out who other people are. 

You are powerful and you 

ask for help at the same time. 

You can discover the results of your behavior. 

You can learn what's pretend and what's real.

Name of Stage:                                   STRUCTURE
Timeline:                                          6 years-12years

Parents Job to Think & Say:

You can think for yourself.

You can learn from your mistakes. 

You can think before you say yes or no.

You can learn what rules help you live with others and what happens when you break 'em.

You can ask for my help if you're distressed. 

I love you even when we differ.

Name of Stage:                      Identity, Sexuality, & Separation 
Timeline:                                           12 years-18 years


Parents Job to Think & Say:

You can learn to use old skills in new ways.

You can develop your own interests, relationships, and causes.

You can grow in your maleness or femaleness.

You can still be dependent at times and ask me for help. Ask for my support.

You can learn the difference between sex, caring, and nurturing. Be responsible for your own needs and behaviors.

I look forward to knowing you as an adult.

My love is always with you.

Name of Stage:                          Interdependence
Timeline:                                           18+ years

Parents Job to Think & Say:

You can trust your inner wisdom. 

You can say your hellos and goodbyes to people, dreams, roles, and decisions.

Your love matures and expands.

You can be uniquely yourself. 

You can honor the uniqueness of others.

You can build commitments to your values, friends, family, and causes.

You can be creative, competent, productive.

You are lovable at any age.

Parents learn that love takes effort. It's not always easy. You are willing to put yourself in someone else's shoes, walk that extra mile, make sacrifices in your own life for the sake of your children. The rewards are worth the journey!

Isn't parenting grand? To shape another person's mindset is an exquisite feat when done right.
 Be Joyful. Share. Love. Laugh. Play. Inspire. Be Authentic.
Parents sometimes forget how many different ways we can teach our children new things. While this blog covers #1 verbal praise, there are many tools in the parenting toolbox:
  1. Verbal Praise
  2. Recognition
  3. Encouragement
  4. Social Reinforcement
  5. Extra Privileges
  6. Edible Reinforcement
  7. Physical Praise 
  8. Positive Reinforcement of Alternative Behaviors
  9. Shaping
   10. Chaining

Okay, the vocabulary may be new to you, but not its content. Many parents use techniques without knowing what behavioral scientists call it. In the next few blogs, I'll cover the lists (above & below).
    Other tools in the world of psychology include the following techniques and tools plus a few unique approaches:
  • Verbal prompt
  • Gestural prompt
  • Physical prompt
  • Modeling
  • Role-modeling
  • Token Economy 
  • Fading
  • Redirect/Distraction
  • Reality-based Statements
  • Complex Guidelines
Listen up, parents: here's a quick summary of positive payoff approaches.

If you want to strengthen a good behavior, then use positive reinforcement, which is defined as adding something to motivate your child and increase the likelihood they'll repeat that behavior.

Examples include these 10 approaches listed above.

What are the best ways to use praise?

  1. Be specific. 
  2. Be genuine.
  3. Recognize effort.
  4. Praise the behavior, not the child.
  5. Show trust in your child's decisions.
  6. Accept your child for what he is, not for what he does.

Do say, Your room looks great. It looks like you worked hard.

Don't say, You're such a good boy for cleaning your toy-box/room. This gives a double message. Is your son not a good person when his room is dirty? That's a more typical scenario. Value your son, not his behaviors.

When my kids were growing up, they knew there were two standards:

At our house, we had 1) Mom-clean and 2) Grandma-clean standards. When grandma was visiting, the children saw me go to town and clean the entire house. My mom is half German. She grew up scrubbing the concrete surfaces on the front porch weekly. So they knew to Grandma-clean their rooms. Other times, if I had friends or family over, they'd ask me, Does my room have to be Grandma-clean?

Boy, were they relieved if I told them, No, just Mom-clean. I seriously don't remember them complaining too much before my mom's visits. Frankly, as a single parent of two children for over ten years, I had other priorities that occupied my brain. I am proud of myself now...because I keep my condo clean...really I do! :)

Only give praise when it's genuine and deserved. Otherwise, it leads to false confidence or arrogance. By praising a specific behavior, you call attention to your child's strengths. You indicate he/she has made a good decision. This builds self-confidence.

You decided to do an extra nice job cleaning your room today. Good decision. These words allow your child to value himself. While it's fine for children to want to please their parents, it's actually more important they work hard for themselves.

Instead of saying, I'm proud of you. Say, You can be proud of yourself. Or You should feel so proud inside right now. Nice job. Well done, sweetie.

In this way, your children internalize the message rather than relying on an external force for reinforcement. In short, your child develops higher self-esteem when they can measure skills & accomplishments by their own standards. 

Of course, most of us want to be the best possible parent we can be. With all the contradictory input we get from our parents, our friends, and even the experts, which way are we supposed to go?

Two things are sure, though: 1) All children want & need to be recognized for who they are as a blossoming soul; 2) Every child needs encouragement to become the best possible version of themselves. 

Children go through so-called growing phases when their brains are trying to sync with their bodies. Behaviors go haywire. Crankiness is at a high level. Perhaps shyness turns into aggressiveness if your child is being picked on at school (or a girl tries to kiss your son.) 

So, what's the best way to handle these transitions? These unwanted behaviors? First, you start with the positive, but it's a parent's responsibility to point out when a behavior is negative, saying, "That's inappropriate" or simply, "Try another way."

Recognition and Encouragement:
Recognition is when you simply acknowledge that your child is trying to help, for instance, when he's a toddler and helps you pick up 2 toys while you pick up the remaining 22 toys. Thanks, Emma, you can help clean up too!

Encouragement is a boost of motivation. Your words show that you support, trust, and believe in your child's abilities … even when he can't manage to clean his entire room by himself. It helps them face their stress and fears. 
Your words may motivate them to solve their own problem: 

  • Whatever you decide, I'm behind you.
  • I trust your decision.
  • Knowing you, I'm sure you'll figure it out.
  • You think about it. You'll do fine. 
  • You've made good decisions in the past. 

If you want to reduce a bad behavior, then use the following less positive methods:

1) Positive reinforcement to strengthen an opposite behavior; 
2) Extinction to eliminate any reward for misbehavior, or 
3) Consequence/Punishment.

Example 1:

To reduce a negative attitude, reward any sign of a positive attitude. To reduce the amount of time two siblings argue, call attention to the time when they are getting along. Hey, it's so good to see a brother and sister having fun playing a game together. Add an incentive. We'll all go to your favorite park if you another day without an argument.

Example 2:

Do not give in to your child's demands. Ignore your children (the best you can) when they try to get your attention in a negative way. Prompt a younger child to ask in a nice tone of voice. 

When you are in public, and they cause a scene by screaming for a candy bar, it's best to leave within a half minute of the incident (unless you can calm them down within 30 seconds). Leave the grocery store immediately. Walk them to the car. State in a calm voice that their behavior was not acceptable. Tell them that you will go back to the store later on. Do not specify when. Try it again after a few hours.

Say, We're starting fresh. Begin with a clean slate daily!  Don't remind your child of previous bad behaviors. 

Avoid reminding children of their negative behaviors earlier that day. Be satisfied with the ideal consequence you already gave them for screaming:

  1. Not getting a candy bar when they misbehaved,
  2. Leaving the store immediately, and
  3. Reprimanding them that their behavior was not acceptable. Remember, you're only disappointed in your child's behavior, not your child. Avoid saying anything negative about them being a bad person because that sends the wrong message. The store incident is done. Over. Kaput. End of story.
Now it's time to set up situations for your child to behave well. Our children were not put on this planet to please us or to make us happy. Parents are meant to guide and love, not guilt kids into good behavior. That's like a repressive regime. Total control.

Let's say you decide to go back to the store four hours later. Don't say, Now, we're not going to have another incident at the store where you scream, are we, Joey? His undeveloped brain only hears the words, store, and scream. Inadventertenly, your words set Joey up for failure. Your words echo in their immature minds. He's simply not capable of processing the question the way an adult would understand it. 

They may only process the words scream and store, which only sets Joey up for a repeat performance. Say, We're ready to go to the store now and have a good time. Let's get ready to go. Do you want to bring Teddy along?

Example 3:

An older child who comes home late may be grounded for a day or two. A child who breaks a home rule is confined for a short time period (A timeout). She may be restricted from a particular activity if it's a natural consequence of breaking a rule. 

In short, parents get the best response when they recognize good behaviors & encourage positive movement toward new skills & goals as well as regular chores & activities. Start with the positive and adjust when needed. 

Stay tuned for more parenting tools.
Did you know that our behavioral matrix & personal programming determines roughly 91% of our decisions? Just think about that for a moment

Get a grip! Get a life! Get a pulse! Get a brain! 

Those exclamations correlate to the four (4) basic programs or style of behavior that I want to talk about today.
You may be primarily a controller who has high expectations of yourself & others. You want to control most everything around you. You crave control. Power is your goal. You take on responsibilities as if you're meant to be in charge.

You dislike failure or feeling vulnerable. You are task oriented. Controllers love new challenges and usually are in positions of authority. Are you a decisive person? Do you take leadership roles in your job or community?

Your weaknesses include perfectionism. You can become overly critical of self & others for not meeting your expectations. And you can be a little arrogant. After all, you have superior intelligence. Sometimes you fail at maintaining a relationship because of these flaws. (My ex-husband fell into this category in the behavior matrix.) 

Results motivate you.

Are you easy-going & like to have fun? Is pleasure a big goal? Then you most likely fit into this category. 

Do you dislike stress, negativity or boredom? Fortunately, relationships come naturally. After all, you are a people-pleaser. You want harmony on the homefront. You avoid confrontation if possible. You're flexible and go with the flow. Everyone paints you as a positive person with a sunny disposition.

On the flip side, you may tend to procrastinate. You can spend money you can't really afford. So credit cards may be your downfall. Sometimes others take advantage of your good nature and walk all over you. You are not a serious person. 

Freedom motivates you. You also love material rewards.

If you're detail-oriented & a neat person, you're probably an analyst. I don't think it's a coincidence that the word, anal, is in the title. You are very organized & have a very set schedule. You like to eat and work at specific times. You're learning process is precise & you study new things in the same way.

Do you dislike uncertainty & chaos? You can't stand being around obnoxious people & will find any excuse to leave an environment that doesn't meet your standards. You handle tasks & relationships in a balanced way. 

You'd make a great teacher! Any job where you can share your skills & knowledge with others makes you happy. 

You can't stand change, which makes you very anxious and stressed. Life is full of change, so sometimes you overcompensate by being too easy-going.

Learning, money, and new challenges motivate you. You analyze data quietly & make decisions based on your considerable processing.

You love adventure & action of any kind. You talk fast, move fast, and act fast. You might have been a cheerleader (literally or figuratively) in the past. 

A promoter hates dishonesty and rules. Like the analyst, you also hate boredom. You'll create events & situations in order to fill your schedule. 

You love completing tasks. Still, you have solid relationships, which are important to you.
You are a doer. People come to you when they need something to be accomplished. In other words, you are very dependable. Most consider you a hard worker.

On the other hand, you have a few weaknesses. For example, you over-commit yourself & then become exhausted afterward. Promoters can be blunt and disorganized because of the extra stress they put on themselves. 

What motivates you? Simple. Your mantra is, Let's party!

Now that you know which behavioral matrix fits your personality, make the most of it. Drive home your strengths & partner with someone who complements you. 
Your partner is NOT responsible for your pleasure. You are! Yep, this may be 180 degrees different from what you've heard most of your life. 

Be the grown-up! 

Explore and know your own pleasure triggers first before telling your partner. Own your satisfaction. 

Don't expect your partner to read your mind! 

Listen up, ladies!  Don't just lay back & ask, What's my partner going to do to please me tonight?  That's a lazy approach to sex. It's not a spectator sport, so don't sit on the sidelines.

On the flip side, don't stay in your head & ask, What should I do next to please my partner?
Sex is a dynamic process, like a stir-fry recipe. Things happen differently every time. 

Remember, your spouse or partner or mate isn't always looking for a friend to listen to him although I believe that’s important for the long haul. Frequently, what a man needs is to be appreciated in the bedroom & supported for what he does for you. 

Men want to feel like King Kong in the bedroom. It's about making you climb the walls and beg for more. They need your femaleness to embrace their manhood in a raw, primitive way before they can show their deeper passion. I’ve discovered men want real affection without complications, even though most women don’t really understand how to do that. In fact, many push the very man away who would respond well to having space occasionally. A man can better unleash his passion when he doesn't feel confined.

After talking to women in my Discovering the Sexual Dimensions of Your Relationship workshops, it became apparent that a majority struggle with something I consider so basic, so simple, so true that I got frustrated with my own inability to communicate the essence of enhanced sexual pleasure.   

In 1993, I wrote my first book, called How To Have Multiple Orgasms Easier Than You Think (Avon Books), which sold over 56,000 copies. Visit Amazon for e-book and a few paperback versions:  http://amzn.to/2rHQDYA

wished I could've had face-to-face meetings with those readers. That’s when both men and women were telling me, Oh my gosh, you’ve saved my marriage. I love helping women—of all ages— in improving their all areas in life. After all, the women are beautiful mirrors of feminine energy moving in powerful new directions. 

It wasn't a single event that put me on my true path of helping others through teaching them the secrets of spirited sex.  It was a continuum of events where I figured out how to give and receive authentic passion. These secrets literally allow women to have as much heightened pleasure as they have the energy for! And, I’m convinced any healthy woman can duplicate my success for themselves.  http://bettersexloveromance.com

Sex is universal. 

Yet it's a unique experience for each person. I suspect we're more alike than different. 
These six (6) steps are meant to affirm what you're already doing right in your lovemaking and enhance other areas that might need refinement:

Step #1:   Psychological & comfort level

First, select a partner that you are genuinely attracted to physically. Compatible chemistry is a must! Usually, sparks will fly automatically when your pheromones match. Whether you've been with a lover for a few days or a few decades, you know how comfortable you are with discussing sexual issues or experimenting in the bedroom. Some call it kismet. 

Are you both willing to try something new you've just read online? Does your partner listen to your signals? Pay attention to what works and what doesn't? 

Step #2:  Adequate foreplay

Foreplay is an essential ingredient for good sex and too often missing. What's adequate for one partner may not be enough for another. For that matter, what's enough one day is not right the next. Foreplay consists of kissing, touching butt and breasts, vaginal stimulation in a way the recipient likes. State what you want in a constructive way, such as, "Do that again, but slower." Be honest. 

Lubrication is also something to keep in mind. Have some water-soluble on hand. Also, saliva works great in a pinch. Food, drink, and sex go together like snow-skiing and Jacuzzi dips. Two, or more, consenting adults should explore a variety of ideas. Toe-sucking is a turn-on for many. 

Sometimes there are reasons that get in the way of getting the right mindset to begins with foreplay in the first place, which includes the following: 
fatigue, hunger, stress, pain, mood, pregnancy, past experiences, upbringing, medication interference, restrictive religious beliefs etc.  Fix what you can and deal with the complicated issues the best you can. 

Most women prefer to take at least 10-15 minutes getting warmed up to the idea. So a back or foot massage is a good start. Medium to deep pressure relaxes while light touch excites. Alternating soft and tender with rough and deeper massage has a positive effect. 

Step#3: The benefits of breathing

Be sure to breathe fully during crescendos of lovemaking. Oxygen in your lungs stimulates your senses. Breathing deeply increases physical performance as any athlete knows. If your mouth is slightly open and your wrist and knees slightly bent, you will automatically be more relaxed. 

Experts agree that to breathe properly, fill the upper part of your chest first and your abdomen last when inhaling. Reverse the process when exhaling.
Steady deep breaths enhance your physical pleasure, especially during climax.

Step #4: Making noises in the bedroom

Like breathing, making sound is an important step in the realization of pleasure, especially if you want to develop a capacity for orgasms. Sex sounds are natural. As you let out noises and groans, you exchange energy with your partner, letting him/her know what pleases you. It also helps control the tempo of rhythms with each new release.  

Nothing quite reaches the inner core of a lover's heart as much as hearing his/her name during the heat of passion. My advice is to incorporate a few new sex sounds into your sex life. See what happens. You may surprise your partner. Making noises keeps you in the present. 

Step#5:  The power of positioning

For better sex, try a number of positions during each love-making session. Experiment with different tilts and angles of penetration to discover the many that give you pleasure. The basic four is the only place to start: 

1) Frontal (face to face) 

2) Sideways (legs-in-between)
3) Rear entry (doggie style)
4) Astride (sitting)

There are advantages and disadvantages to each of the variations. Remember, you have a right to suggest a change at any time. Invent names for a particular position that you like. Say, "Let's do the inward gainer!" if you want to make love head to toe. Reverse cowgirl is also a favorite. And, for oral sex, the head-to-toe (sixty-nine) position is a popular one. 

Step #6: Opening Up

I am referring more to a psychological phenomenon here. It's an art to truly receive what your partner has to give. Being receptive is not the same as taking. It's not spacing out into passivity. A passive partner is a boring one. Each partner should have the opportunity to receive. True receiving is without greed. It means paying attention to your partner to make the experience a mutual one. 

Likewise, giving is not the same as controlling someone. To give freely never violates the comfort level of another person. Giving openly is being sensitive to the needs and desire of the receiver. Pure giving has no air of desperation or compulsion. Many insecure people feel compelled to give continuously so they can feel needed or loved. 

Ideally, partners take turns taking the initiative. Better yet, the lines of giving and receiving become so blurred that it's difficult to distinguish between the giver and the receiver. Have confidence in yourself and your mate. Watch the magic happen!